looking up

when i walk i tend to cast my gaze downward…in fact, i stare at the ground…i easily become oblivious to everything around me…i even become unaware of what is actually on the ground, lost somewhere inside of myself…lately i have been taking my camera with me with more frequency, and am looking around more…up, down, to the sides, all around…and learning to see things with fresh eyes and a different perspective…i take pictures of things i have never noticed before…it strikes me how often i walk around without any awareness of my surroundings…and i wonder why my sense of direction is so dismal!

one day a couple of weeks or so ago i stood and took pictures of my shadow…i must have taken around 30 or so of them with my body in different positions…i wonder when the last time it was i even noticed my shadow at all…

it’s startling to me how much attention it requires just to “notice” things right in front of me…there are so many things TO notice…the wonderful old ranch houses across the street with farm equipment i can’t even identify)…a crow perched at the very top of a chimney…horse’s hoof marks made in the gravel trail…the beautiful geometric design on a manhole cover…the bark of a tree that looks like a cartoon character’s face…etc.

so much to discover…so much to rediscover…so much to wake up to…so much to just look at and…to see…

what did you notice today?

roads not taken

“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” -Lewis Carroll

A sermon comes to mind. One I heard a long time ago. The pastor said there is no decision we can ever make that can be so bad or so wrong that something can’t be made of it. I captured the essence of his words as if spoken specifically for my benefit.

When I was in college it was difficult for me to choose a major. You mean I have to pick just one? But I have so many interests…how can I possibly settle on one thing that I am committed to for the rest of of my life?! My academic advisers were of little help. They only reinforced the idea that whatever you decided on for your degree program was supposed to lead to your lifelong career path. And you were supposed to decide this at 18 years old. In some ways choice is a wonderful gift. In other ways it is a miserable curse. Couldn’t someone just please tell me what I’m supposed to do? I don’t know, and I don’t how to figure it out either, and I’m only 18 years old and why can’t I just be allowed to be carefree and explore life and the world and who I am?

In a lot of ways I’m still there. Still on that unknown road to an unknown place. After all these years I still feel the pressure of this unknowing, like if I could just figure it out I could finally have some peace. (I did, however, dutifully choose my major, and earned my degree and was seemingly on track toward my lifelong choice…with a few changes along the way in graduate school).

…and then…

“Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.” - John Lennon

There are choices, and then there are things that happen completely outside of your control. One day you are young and looking forward to the future and all of your plans…the next day you begin to feel an ache in your side that won’t go away. Over time it steadily grows worse, and you have no way of knowing that what is happening inside your body will alter the course of your life in ways you cannot yet imagine.

With this uncontrollable uncertainty in the life of someone who had always been so goal oriented (even if at times the goal seemed fuzzy), there emerged a hurricane of confusion. What will be possible? What will be beyond me?

I was told repeatedly that God wouldn’t give me any more than I could bear. Really? God meters out suffering and calculates how far to take someone and then teeters them on the verge without pushing them over the cliff? That’s how God operates? What…is God bored, and this is how he entertains himself? When I would challenge this assertion I would be met with the following (usually by someone blooming with health)…”Well, you are managing, aren’t you? After all, you are still here.” Um…yeah…but…it hurt…a lot…and I didn’t feel so good about my life any more and I was sad about how much of life meant suffering and how hard everything became for me and I worried about a lot of things and I didn’t really think people in their 20s generally had to think about stuff like this yet. I guess that made me weak? “It’s ok…we’re all weak. That’s why we need God.”  I would nod my head, but never felt right about characterizing God this way.

I still don’t know where I’m going. I wonder if this is precisely the point…exactly what this goal-oriented, future-planning, in-control, perfectionistic woman in a body she celebrates for its beauty on the outside and weeps for the pain on the inside, may have needed to learn something about….trusting, surrendering, opening, unfolding…being lost…being okay with being lost and understanding being found isn’t about having it all figured out…it is about acceptance of…and love for…herself.

thanks giving

thank you to those who have endured with me on this journey that takes many twists and turns…turns through my questions, my struggles, my changing my mind, my weaknesses, my tears, my hopes, my ever-present longing for what i only know to call God and still don’t understand but strangely feel closer to than ever before…thank you for sticking with me through my failures at being a guardian of this space here where i freely make myself vulnerable, and open myself wide to take a peek inside…sometimes a tentative peek, sometimes a direct and difficult gaze…my failures have been a reflection of my own weakness in standing up for myself, never believing before i was worth standing up for…thank you for continuing to comment and offer your own experiences and questions and thoughts and feelings and being so generous and patient to return again and again…you may never know how much offering of yourselves is helping me change and develop…

there have been some very difficult potholes and land mines for me to step over these last several years, all of which is teaching me a lot…i have discovered untapped parts of myself i never knew before…and i am finding healing and joy through artistic expression…still learning to let go of my own criticism and evaluation of the results…understanding the process itself is what is so valuable for me…

i am thankful for this place where i can share, and thankful for you who share and support and gently offer your suggestions and observations and wisdom with me.

habits and epiphanies

…ever have one of those moments when someone says something that seems really obvious but is a sort of epiphany to you…as if you are hearing it for the first time and never thought of it in that way?…a simple observation is made about me today…that i seem to look at my faults (and more often my mistakes) not with objectivity and an emphasis on how to improve, but rather i see them as proof of my inadequacy and a library on which to draw endlessly so i can feed my self doubt and worthlessness…which seems strange given that my actions do not reflect this at all…my actions mirror a reflection of constant desire for self improvement, learning, development, and trying…trying…trying…

…hmm…

…one of my favorite movies flashes in my head again…a nun’s story…this woman (played brilliantly by Audrey Hepburn) is obsessively conflicted over her desire to be a perfect, obedient nun and how she continually finds herself coming up short…even when the church…yes, the church…starts instructing her she is being too hard on herself…

…her actions show a constant striving for self improvement; yet her attitude remains stuck in self flagellation…(and often times the irony is that people like her … and me … often find ourselves with people or influences in our lives that help confirm our own self doubt for us … all the better after all to have confirmation from outside sources ) …

…i have to laugh … when the Catholic church is telling you you are being too hard on yourself you know you are pretty far gone…

…she walked away from the church and her habit (love that double entendre) at the end of the movie…

…and in the same way i am seeing how i have insisted on listening to voices confirming my own inadequacies and mistakes, whether from myself or from others …

…i’m determined to walk away from those voices, both those from the outside … and from the inside…

truth absolutely

i envy people who write and speak with authority about things they know…i have far more questions than answers…as i get older i know even less…the only thing that really changes is the flickers of moments where not knowing doesn’t seem to be as big a crisis as it once was for me…there is less of a rush to figure things out all the time…though, i do still have the frustration that i “should” know something i don’t, or should be doing something i’m not…i’m a questioner…and as a questioner i am prone to changing my mind a lot…swapping out this idea for that one…”oh, i never thought of it that way before”…although i know the fundamental “me” is the same “me” that was always “me”, and i do maintain there is no way for me to be anything other than myself at all times…there is very little in the way of thought that feels constant…this has gotten me into trouble at times with people who are more constant in their thinking…who take a position and hold to it their whole life…i have been reminded of things i said years ago…reminded in a way that also comes with an expectation that it’s all the same now…yes, i said that or thought that 20 years ago…i don’t think the same way any more…does that mean it was a lie back then when i said this or that?…it didn’t feel like a lie…it felt like what i thought at the time…i wasn’t trying to trick anyone…in many ways i am not the same person…but i am the same person too…i’m still the same person who changes her mind and is emotional and unsure of herself…who is more okay now with changing her mind and being emotional and unsure of herself…but not yet quite okay enough…i do wish to be self examining and even critical in a constructive way…to improve, to change, to be fluid and open and embracing of new ideas and thoughts and always to learn from others…not so fluid that i disappear, but rather to take it all in through the filter of my own heart…some of it stays…some of it doesn’t…this is why i think i am so bad at remembering quotes from books…i read…i take in…i filter…some of it sticks, some of it doesn’t…it sticks and gets new meaning, meaning more personal to me…a personal paraphrase i guess…and then there are other things that rattle around in my head and pop up at the most interesting times…like just now i heard echoes of “to thine own self be true”…a memory of Mrs. Davis, my junior high school english teacher, who made us memorize and recite portions of hamlet…a horrible task for someone like me who is terrorized by speaking in front of large groups…but memorize i did…no way i was going to let myself be made to look like a fool for missing even a single word…i remember how tight her face was…how it seemed a lot of years of living a hard life had hardened her to the point of a hardened face…”don’t do that with your face, it will freeze that way”, i remember my grandma saying…but there was also a soft spot inside Mrs. Davis if you knew where to go poking around…

…so…how do people become so self assured…to find someone utterly confident in the one absolute truth…really? there is one absolute truth…can we agree on that?…can we agree on the “fact” there is one absolute truth?…hmmm…this is a problem for me, i think…how do you explain the guy next door who also knows the one absolute truth but his absolute truth isn’t the same as your absolute truth…if there is only one absolute truth, how can there be any variation…wouldn’t variation in itself bring doubt that there is such a thing as one absolute truth?…with one absolute truth, how could there be any argument?…can we agree that you believe in your own absolute truth and the neighbor believes in his absolute truth?…no…mine is THE absolute truth…can we agree that there is an absolute truth but you could be wrong about what that absolute truth is?…no, my truth is the absolute truth…why?…because the scripture says so…oh, okay…so your scripture is the one absolute truth?…yes…and his scripture that he says is the one absolute truth is a lie?…yes…and if i ask him the same question he will tell me his scripture is the one absolute truth and yours is a lie?…probably so…oh…okay…this makes perfect sense…thank you for the clarification…i understand better now…

friendships

What makes friendships last? What attracts friends and what repels them? Is it possible for men and women to be friends, or will there inevitably arise problematic sexual tension? There are inspiring stories of lifelong friendships between people that withstand all of life’s ups and downs and ins and outs, friends who are dedicated to the effort to be there for one another through anything and everything. What qualities do individuals bring to friendships such as these? Is this more or less common in the modern world we live in defined by overwhelmingly busy schedules and constant striving for the next rung up the ladder of success? Are people more or less isolated in a world that brings a dizzying array of technology to communication and options for staying in touch? Does the ease with which people can communicate electronically create more or less distance between them as friends?

Does anyone anywhere sit on the stoop outside their apartment building and chat with their friends after dinner, or swing on a front porch swing with a pitcher of lemonade and watch the world go by with their best friend, or stop by a friend’s house on the way home for a spontaneous visit and cup of tea or coffee? Or is friendship now an exchange of 140 characters or less in a text message, or on occasion an email, or even rarer still a telephone call?

Are there still friendships like those portrayed in television shows like “I Love Lucy” or “Seinfeld” or “Sex and the City” or “Friends”? Or is the enduring popularity of the portrayal of friendships in movies or on television because people are longing to have that kind of endurance, loyalty and availability, where friends are there for one another…through everything…and time and care is always endlessly available, where people are the priority, not the deadlines?

Tough times in the world today…there have always been tough times and there will always be more…seems like the thing people of yesterday recognized was they would endure by pulling together, by leaning on a friend…and…by being there for a friend.

the day is today

as i lay my head down on the pillow last night the grief took me so by surprise…the tears just seeped from my eyes and into my pillow…grieving is something so mysterious…it’s so easy to tell yourself you should be further along…but then, an email…and it’s fresh once again, brought back in time in my memories as if it were yesterday, or maybe today…there are stages, this i know, but still the visits to me waking or in my dreams catch me by surprise…

…rejection is a difficult thing…how to feel strong enough and whole enough inside of yourself without need of encouragement from outside of yourself…is that possible? i’m trying…maybe too hard.

…the flutter of eyelids waking to a new day brings mixed emotions…will today be different…can i create today to be different when so many todays have been the same…or should i stop trying so hard and just let the day be what it will be…do the work of the day and release expectations and hopes of something more…can the day be enough just because it is another day? can i ever be satisfied with that?

as the wind howls

i love the wind…i love the movement and the mystery and the energy of it…i love the sound it makes through the trees and the howling sound it makes all by itself…i love lying in bed at night and listening to it outside, seeing shadows of the moving trees dancing across the ceiling and the walls…i love the insomnia it causes when it screams so loud the windows shake…i love how it carries…i love how it has life…i love rushing to the car and bracing against it, and i love the contrast of the sudden stillness when i close the door…i love how my nose runs and how wild and untamed it makes my hair…i love how my face flushes and my skin tingles as if a supernatural force of nature has just made passionate love with me…i love the wind…and i love when it calms…always with the promise to return again.

on purpose

Does life have a purpose?

Why do we feel inclined to ask this question of ourselves? It usually happens somewhere around the time we call “middle age”.  What is it about a thinking brain that would even ponder the meaning of life and whether we are supposed to accomplish something? What is the source of the unrest so many of us feel about what we are doing with our lives and more insistently, what we are NOT doing with our lives?

Is it all just a product of conditioning? Does it begin with the question we inevitably ask of children, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Do we plant the seed in the child all the way back then that there is something they are supposed to be other than themselves? There are expectations about what will be done and accomplished, how much money will be made, the degree earned and at which college, what the standing in society will be, the size and location of a home, the make and model of car, the size of the diamond ring, the designer shoes, the wardrobe, the things collected, the things, the things, the things. The current condition of the world’s economy has perhaps been a lesson in the perils of attaching one’s identity to roles and to stuff.

What does it mean to be yourself? When you are working in the occupation that makes you miserable, are you yourself? Is happiness a requirement in order for you to feel like you are yourself? Is it even possible not to be yourself?

I don’t ask myself who I am any more. It doesn’t matter whether I am feeling happy or unhappy, closer to self acceptance or self loathing, invisible or seen, valued or inconsequential, content or restless, encouraged or discouraged…I am always myself. This isn’t always easy to own up to. Moods and emotions are fleeting, and no more a basis for defining a self than a home or a car.

Feeling peaceful about the “who am I” question hasn’t done anything to soothe the life purpose question. It lingers…what am I supposed to be doing that I am not doing. A string of failures of one kind or another…are they to be taken as signs that I am still not doing what I am supposed to be doing? Or are they merely learning points, and purpose is nothing more complicated than being open to learn? Am I making things more complicated than they are?

I do still feel very uneasy about these questions. I hear people say they love their life and there isn’t a single thing they would change. I feel envious of that. But I also realize I don’t have to love my life in order to be myself. I am always myself, whether I like it or not. I hear a voice that keeps saying to myself…I just want to be good at something, and recognized for being good at it, by others certainly, and more importantly, by myself.

..if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it fall, did it make a sound? does it matter?

crashing

I thought about complaining a bit more over the computer and host crashing troubles of this week, but then, it also occurred to me how all the troubles have created odd opportunities for me, and it is over these opportunities I now find myself pondering. I have learned a lot about advanced troubleshooting in ways I don’t even want to explain, but it does result in a renewed respect and appreciation for the people out there who actually invented all of this. It’s easy to forget when we type words on a screen how much has actually gone into the technology to make it all happen, the vast majority of the time without problems. Utterly amazing.

I also have had the unique opportunity to do a lot of creating in the middle of the night, waiting for computer processes to grind their way through, only requiring me to hit a button or two now and then. I found myself sort of cracking open, not wanting to be so careful or precise, combining vivid colors and paints and using anything and everything I had on hand to create, even paper towels! I also rediscovered and redesigned a website and made it into a new blog before the great crash occurred. I want to give visual creative expression its own home, separate from these babblings and wanderings here. It was hastily set up and will probably undergo a lot of design changes as they occur to me, but it feels like a nice place to go when the mood is more visual than wordy, and I need a break from designing and coding. It feels meaningful to me to birth something out of the digital disaster that happened this week.

At some point, feeling tired and burned out (and feeling tired of feeling tired and burned out), I finally reached a point of what I can only call surrender. Okay, everything is down and I don’t know when it will be fixed, and I don’t even know if any of the data will be recoverable. All unknowns. All out of my control. Consequences that may to me feel like having made it halfway up Mount Everest only to have a stiff wind blow me back to the bottom again. And absolutely nothing to be done about it. Giving up that kind of control can be very hard for me, but it was made much easier in this case by exhaustion and the length of time it continued.

There is something sort of electric about multiple nights with little to no sleep. Not an ounce of tiredness. And very vivid, memorable dreams during those precious few hours of sleep. Tough week, good lessons with a lot learned technically, and also a better awareness about some of the reactions I default into when presented with certain situations. There was even some fun involved as I now look around my office/studio and see all the pages scattered around the floor…pages of doodles, and paintings and prints.

Now that the computer and the websites and the hosting are all back up and running, I’m now ready to crash. There is relaxation that comes with feeling like these challenges are settled…for now. Fortunately, my restoration process is much simpler…all that’s needed is to power down/hibernate for about eight hours.