crashing

I thought about complaining a bit more over the computer and host crashing troubles of this week, but then, it also occurred to me how all the troubles have created odd opportunities for me, and it is over these opportunities I now find myself pondering. I have learned a lot about advanced troubleshooting in ways I don’t even want to explain, but it does result in a renewed respect and appreciation for the people out there who actually invented all of this. It’s easy to forget when we type words on a screen how much has actually gone into the technology to make it all happen, the vast majority of the time without problems. Utterly amazing.

I also have had the unique opportunity to do a lot of creating in the middle of the night, waiting for computer processes to grind their way through, only requiring me to hit a button or two now and then. I found myself sort of cracking open, not wanting to be so careful or precise, combining vivid colors and paints and using anything and everything I had on hand to create, even paper towels! I also rediscovered and redesigned a website and made it into a new blog before the great crash occurred. I want to give visual creative expression its own home, separate from these babblings and wanderings here. It was hastily set up and will probably undergo a lot of design changes as they occur to me, but it feels like a nice place to go when the mood is more visual than wordy, and I need a break from designing and coding. It feels meaningful to me to birth something out of the digital disaster that happened this week.

At some point, feeling tired and burned out (and feeling tired of feeling tired and burned out), I finally reached a point of what I can only call surrender. Okay, everything is down and I don’t know when it will be fixed, and I don’t even know if any of the data will be recoverable. All unknowns. All out of my control. Consequences that may to me feel like having made it halfway up Mount Everest only to have a stiff wind blow me back to the bottom again. And absolutely nothing to be done about it. Giving up that kind of control can be very hard for me, but it was made much easier in this case by exhaustion and the length of time it continued.

There is something sort of electric about multiple nights with little to no sleep. Not an ounce of tiredness. And very vivid, memorable dreams during those precious few hours of sleep. Tough week, good lessons with a lot learned technically, and also a better awareness about some of the reactions I default into when presented with certain situations. There was even some fun involved as I now look around my office/studio and see all the pages scattered around the floor…pages of doodles, and paintings and prints.

Now that the computer and the websites and the hosting are all back up and running, I’m now ready to crash. There is relaxation that comes with feeling like these challenges are settled…for now. Fortunately, my restoration process is much simpler…all that’s needed is to power down/hibernate for about eight hours.

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